SEPTEMBER 2024

jeez, been a bit since i updated this.. hey everybody, it's been a bit of a hectic week over here, mostly been stuck with class and stuff, planning things and all that. i've been in a weird state after my close to burnout status where i've been trying my best to take everything more to my rhythm, and spread everything out. trust my partner more for one, let her handle things, take the habit to ask if she can do some things if i can't.. another big thing has been using my phone more and using that reminder app it's got - instead of storing every piece of information in my brain, always running on and spinning on that thing i have to do tomorrow, that thing in two days, etc etc, i instead spread it out a little more. set a reminder for the day it has to be done and leave it until it's about to happen. it's not working FULLY yet, but i've seen some improvements!

i'm at least happy it's working a little bit, any change right now is a good one. i've also been going through a strange lil perspective shift of my own while reading someone you can build a nest in(can't recommend this book enough if you can get your hands on it, just be aware that it is a lil gory). the book itself has its main protagonist, Shesheshen, fall in love with a human while she is a being who's completely different. think the thing by john carpenter, except in a medieval setting. it's incredibly sweet and entertaining to read through, but Shesheshen is also clearly neurodivergent-coded, with a lot of the things she thinks about and the way she thinks about them echoing with me in a way i never really thought of.

for context, and as a trans woman with ADHD and (possible or probable) autism, i've been masking a LOT. i'm used to masking, it's what i do - i never thought i even was "different" in that sense until a few years ago, when i started realizing that the way my brain works is in fact not how "normal" people think! i've seen or read media that echoed with this part of me before, the part i try to keep masked because it's weird, because it's a bit cringe, because it's alien. when i stim, i do it out of the way. when i squeak because i have energy to let out, i do it when nobody is around to hear it. i don't express this part of me around others, because it's just strange. it shouldn't be like that, it should only be for me (and my cat).

but recently (and i blame Shesheshen), i kinda found an outlet in that book in a way that left me.. happy, somewhat? i'm starting to embrace the fact that i'm a bit strange, that at the best of times i feel like an alien around people, that i don't know where to place my hands or arms, that i stare a lot, etc etc. i'm understanding that i'm not happy after i socialized because i like socializing, i'm happy when i socialize because my brain is like "we did the thing they wanted us to do! yippee!" - i'm starting to accept and be okay with the fact that i'm a bit of a loner at university, but i have friends outside of it, and i'm perfectly capable of cooperating with my classmates.. for a bit.

i guess my point overall with this ramble is to remind myself (and hopefully you!) that self-acceptance is important. it's important but it's not easy to get at all. it still feels wonderful when it finally hits. and combined to the feeling i never thought i'd reach that, actually, people are beginning to perceive me as a cis woman (although boyish, but i've been cultivating that vibe anyway), this week has been pretty damn good.

hey everybody, very very short update today. i'm absolutely exhausted - been watching some evangelion again with my partner, lazing around and stuff. as it turns out, i display some pretty bad burnout symptoms! going to see a professional on monday hopefully and in the meantime, just taking it easy. you may've noticed we have a new banner and new fancy navbar buttons, though they don't.. exactly work. i'm working on it, they're basically placeholders.

still pretty proud of em. and hey, we made it to the weekend! yay you.

hey guys, guess what? i got my wallet back! everything is here and accounted for.. save for my credit card. oh well, least i don't have to remake an id etc etc, it could've been much worse. so as far as i'm concerned, the wallet arc is finally DONE! just gotta remake a new card, which isn't really that daunting.

i'm going to keep this one short, seeing as i'm absolutely exhausted also- had a really good paleontology class today, only for my brain to flip onto itself and for me to get a mood swing right in the face. those suck and i don't get them often actually.. lack of sleep maybe. least there's four more hours of paleontology tomorrow, heheheheh

i've also been trying to sharpen my skills in html and css, working on a new layout for the site that should hoooopefully look a lil better, as well as cozier. i've used sadgrl's layout builder to get a solid foundation i can build upon and tweak and look into until i find out how i can tweak it as best as i can. i very much doubt it'll be done now or heck, even in a week.. but soon! i'll leave you all with this lil tease for now, cause i'm super excited about it. sketched it out and everything too!

design wise i'd like it to be pretty framed, go less into this comfy yet pretty simplistic design i got going on here - put some stuff in the sidebars, get movie posters, gifs, blinkies, all that in there.. i def have to give credit to for the inspiration, the box-heavy design really got me curious and daring to have something that looks dense, something with tons of nooks and crannies you just want to get lost in. visually busy but in a good way! luxuriant if you will, lush even.

i've never been a big fan of minimalism to be quite honest, it's nice to see something visually busy. maybe a lil intimidating at first, but it feels safe y'know? like i can just hide and burrow in one of those lil spaces, chill out and slow down without feeling exposed to.. whatever's out there. there's obviously a playful aspect to it too, and the first easter egg i added to this site (hint: find a place you're not supposed to be in!) definitely has that aspect going for it. layers upon layers, like bedsheets taking you further and further into a relaxed, comfortable state.

one thing i'm not looking forward to is using blender to make that transparent gif of a red 3ds being rotated, but hey- gotta do what you gotta do ૮ – ﻌ–ა

so many things to do today, so many things done.. i guess i should start with some good news? the wallet has been found! someone found it and returned it to one of the city block halls, going to go pick it up tomorrow over my uni lunch break - i guess i really gotta bet on humanity's inherent goodness more? big ol' worry lifted off my shoulders at least, so i'm very happy about this.

it's been same old same old otherwise, though i did have some fieldwork today! taking samples and observing the environment in order to understand how biotic (related to living things) and abiotic (related to stuff that isn't alive ie the sun etc) would influence the local plant life and what the guys looking over our group called "the vegetal communities" (it's very roughly translated off french, so). i thought it'd be boring at first but it turned out to be incredibly interesting, especially because one of the two environments we were studying was a lil valley that, as most valleys are, was dug by rivers that were flowing there back then. tons of calcium rock as well (i hope that's the word, "calcaire" for my fellow croissant lovers), and dating back to the jurassic! i was looking out for ammonites and other such fossils, but no such luck. and thinking about all this, wondering about such ancient landscapes kind of got me thinking into something that i frankly always do, being a dinosaur and fossil life nerd.

i really always wonder what everything looked like back then. standing in a valley and thinking that where i'm standing was once the bed of a river, where animals would come to drink, socialize, predate and be predated upon.. realizing how much time had passed between then and now, not even a million of years, or even two. a HUNDRED. it's the sort of number that frankly, i don't think the human mind is made to even be able to accurately represent. it kinda slips off my mind, it's a value to recognize an era sure, but it's hard to really get what it means. i guess it's why paleo art is so cool in a way. it's a sort of window into a world that had existed ages ago, and if done well, it can be absolutely stunning. my mind usually drifts back to a piece of paleo art i had found in a book by dean r. lomax, titled locked in time. it's illustrated by a guy called bob nicholls, and there's that one illustration of a megalodon nursery that enraptured my mind from the first time i saw it.

is it the sense of scale between the babies and the adult? the way the water is drawn, the contrast between the shallow, almost white water, and the dark blue depths? maybe that's it, who knows. this very visceral feel of standing on a beach millions of years away from your time, and seeing an impossibly large dorsal fin pass you by, it's what makes my heart feel so.. excited? probably more a sort of need, a draw towards it.

while i'm on sharks and in my efforts to keep this from being a big ol ramble (then again hey, that's probably what you're here for), i'll leave this video here. this is footage (though news footage so bwahh, couldn't find the raw stuff) of Deep Blue, one of the biggest great white sharks recorded to date (and she's a girl!). it's honestly just mesmerizing to watch, i dunno why. i guess my point is that sharks are cool as hell!

well, here it is! my own lil corner of the internet, free of algorithms, free of all tons of stuff. i can't say i'm exactly certain why i started this, i think it's more so a deal of being into the whole thing and the way i usually get ideas and act upon them. in that specific case, i just had this very strong vision of a lil place that had the same vibe as a ruined building covered in vines and lit by a warm sunset, the same sounds as a rooftop swept by the fresh summer wind, with the veranda door you'd sit on while hearing the faint sounds of TV playing in the background.

it's not the only thing driving me to do this of course. the other thing was having a little place where i could be myself for a moment, where i wouldn't have to look over my shoulder when i sound a lil mysterious or a lil fancy. heck, just when i set the title of this website to "listen to the fireflies, they'll tell you such tales", i was telling myself "stelle!! you're being so strange right now, stop it"

but honestly, why should i? maybe it's just that i'm finally accepting myself for who i am, and that the flowery language, the amvs playing in my head whenever i listen to a cool song, the goosebumps and the need to flap my hands, all of this is just me. me, *✧･ﾟ stelle *✧･ﾟ! i'm pretty happy about myself, and i get happier every day. happier that i look more and more like who i want to be, happier that somedays, the doubts about me being a woman are almost completely gone. they're still there of course, but they let go now. a lil bit.

anyway, i lost my wallet today. a bit mad about it, but hey! nothing much i can do til tomorrow.